A Question For Readers———"WTF?"

Yesterday, when the only thing I posted was a link to another site where I'd written a half-baked essay about How I Met Your Mother, was Astor Place Riot's most popular day ever. What does this mean? What does it mean?!!

I have no idea.

You probably don't know this, because the layout of this blog is sort of goofy, but you can comment on these posts. See those tiny buttons in the bottom left of the post? The really, really tiny ones? The speech bubble one lets you comment. So if you're the commenting type, and for the sake of your loved ones I hope you are not, I'd love to know if you have any insight to why the site did so well yesterday.

Was it because I posted about an argument with another blog? Was it because you love coming here only to be sent to another, better website? Does this mean I should just write about How I Met Your Mother all the fucking time?

Any thoughts are appreciated. You can always email me too. (See sidebar at right.) If nobody wants to read anything but crazed rants about CBS comedies, well, I can oblige. I'm a whore for you people. And like off-brand Oreos, I'm super cheap.

Why It's Okay To Like The Zany Old Spice Game

In honor of the majestic accomplishment that is "Dikembe Mutombo’s 4 1/2 Weeks To Save The World,” I typed up a few hundred words on why it's okay to enjoy something like that, even though it's nothing more than very clever advertising.

The short answer? It's okay to like stuff that's clever.

The Old Spice commercials, going back to the Bruce Campbell campaign from five or so years ago, heralded an unprecedented weirdening (my word! Don’t use it!) of mainstream ad campaigns. Their ads are spare, strange and designed to be shared—a formula that lots of brands have tried to emulate and none have managed to get right. Imitations of this kind of zaniness usually fall short either because they aren’t weird enough, or lack a charismatic spokesman like Bruce/Fabio/Old Spice Guy.
(A rare exception—those creepy fucking Sprite commercials, which are way too goddamned weird.)
I love these Old Spice ads because they are the kind of thing I should fucking hate. I despise corporate pandering, because no matter how charming a company pretends to be, there’s simply nothing cool about corporations. If a marketing campaign manages to make me forget that for a moment, I tend to have an extreme backlash to it. How dare you amuse me?! How dare you make me forget the essential sinisterness of your business practices?!

You could keep reading that, or you could just go play this delightful game. Don't stop until you get to the Twinkie song. Seriously.

Park Slope's Littlest Looter

As the national guard contains looting on Coney Island, and thousands of police amble across lower Manhattan, making sure the inhabitants of the Chaos Zone don't get too rowdy, a very tiny, very adorable crime wave has swept the hitherto peaceful confines of storm-spared Park Slope.

I was in line at the Associated Supermarket on Fifth Avenue earlier this evening, replenishing my larder after a few days hiding from the rain. (Oh God, how I fear the rain.) A rather cute four year-old stood in front of me, clutching a tiny purse and looking every bit like a woman out running errands. Playing casual, she wandered over to the candy section, fingered a pack of Bubble Tape and then glanced at her mother.

And then came...the crime!

Little Miss Dillinger unzipped her purse, picked up the Bubble Tape, and slipped it in. She lost her cool when the zipper wouldn't close, and was trying to force it shut when Momma noticed.

"Put that back. Come on."

She put it back.

"You little sticky fingers. Come here. God, and you've got all that Halloween candy at home."

"There's no more Halloween candy! There's no more Halloween candy!"

About this time, the little girl started crying. I don't think it won any sympathy from Mom, but she avoided prosecution.

A Little Bit More On (The Real) Virginia Woolf

That's the real Virginia Woolf on the far left. She's really nothing to fear after all.​

That's the real Virginia Woolf on the far left. She's really nothing to fear after all.​

Ah, and since I can't stop talking about Virginia Woolf, I thought I'd point out the sole exception to the blanket condemnation of blackface I issued Monday. (I am a bold one, aren't I? Quite a controversial stand, coming out against racism.) Blackface is only acceptable if it's before 1914, and you're using it to humiliate the British navy.

On February 7th, 1910, one Herbert Cholmondesly of HMFO demanded a special train from London’s Paddington Station to convey four Abyssinian princes to Weymouth docks. In fact, the troupe who boarded HMS Dreadnought that morning were pranksters, recruited by the noted adventurer William Horace de Vere Cole, the ‘Cholmondesly of the FO’. Under the elaborate disguises as African potentates were novelist Virginia Woolf, sportsman Anthony Buxton, artist Duncan Grant and a judge’s son Guy Ridley. Their interpreter was Woolf’s brother Adrian. Red carpet and a guard of honour awaited them at Weymouth, with Admiral Sir William May himself welcoming the company.
When rain threatened their make-ups, the ‘princes’ requested the permission to inspect the ship. Inside, they overacted to a ludicrous degree: they handed out visiting cards printed in Swahili. Being at a loss of what to say, Buxton improvised Virgil’s Aeneid in a strange accent, lest the navy recognized Latin. They asked for prayer mats at sunset, and tried to bestow Abyssinian honours on senior officers. ‘Bunga-bunga,’ they exclaimed whenever they were shown some great aspect of the ship; this except Virginia Woolf who had to try hard to disguise her womanish voice.

Goodness, I do love that story. "Bunga Bunga," of course, would later reappear in peculiar guise as part of the unfunny sex farce that is Berlusconi's Italy, and Virginia Woolf would go on to write all sorts of important novels which are funnier than people think. Anyone who's forgotten that Woolf had a sense of humor, and that blackface has its navy-humiliating uses, can consult the picture above.​

Don't We All Find Pleasure A Little Annoying?

I've long been a fan of Cook's Illustrated's aggressively middlebrow, involved-but-not-difficult, style of home cooking. They have a solid recipe for everything, and they come with pictures. I was overwhelmingly charmed by this weekend's profile of Cook's Illustrated grumpus-in-chief, Christopher Kimball. 

Good reporting is really about eliciting quotes that let the personality of your subject shine through, and arranging them in the most amusing way possible. In case you don't have the vim required for such a long feature, here are the best quotes from the profile, arranged from least grumpy to grumpiest:

"If you had walked across this country a hundred years ago, you probably wouldn’t have eaten the same biscuit twice."

"I’m happier eating hoagies."

"Most magazines don’t write about failure, but we do. Disaster in the kitchen puts the reader at ease, and that’s why we start our recipes with it."

"We don’t make the ultimate anything. Were they the world’s best burgers — no, probably not. But if you get food on the table and it works, we’ve done our jobs."

"I hate the idea that cooking should be a celebration or a party. Cooking is about putting food on the table night after night, and there isn’t anything glamorous about it."

"Cooking isn’t creative, and it isn’t easy. It’s serious, and it’s hard to do well, just as everything worth doing is damn hard."

"This is my magazine, and I will print what I want."

"There’s something about pleasure I find annoying."