If there's one thing to be said for bad Broadway shows, it's the speed with which they recede from memory. Remember The Performers? Neither do I. Writing this paragraph, I had to google "Broadway show pornography" to remember its title, a google search that sadly did not turn up screenshots from Liza Does Dallas or a literal production of The Iceman Cometh. I forgot the name of that show even though I eulogized its closing, taking the opportunity to complain about one of my comedy pet peeves: "funny" porn titles based on the names of hit movies.
Comedy writers of the world—can we put this tedious joke behind us? Can we dig a joke-sized hole in the backyard and bury it under cover of darkness? Can we spend the seven or eight seconds it would take to come up with something else that’s funny about sex?
I mean, everything is funny about sex. Pick anything else.
I bring up the old article not just because I'm too lazy to write anything new, although that is often the case. Yesterday, Gawker published the AVN Awards list of nominees for "Clever Title Of The Year," and it's a list that I would like to think would put imaginary titles like Das Booty away forever. Because the thing is, clever porn titles aren't that clever. You may be surprised to hear this, but the people who make pornography have an eight year-old's sense of humor and a ten year-old's vocabulary. The list is amazing not because the titles are clever, but because they are so emphatically blunt. These really sound like porn titles. You just can't make this stuff up.
I was going to append an NSFW tag to the following list, but decided that anyone whose job prevents them from reading lists of bad words should probably quit their job. I will say, the following titles are not safe to scream out in your cubicle. They're legitimately filthy. Seriously. You should start washing your eyeballs now.
Clever Title of the Year
- Asphyxia Heels the World, BurningAngel/Vouyer
- Brooklyn Egg Cream on the Roxxx, Seymore Butts/Pure Play
- Chocolate Covered Crackers, Black Magic Pictures
- Chocolate Yam Yams, Black Storm/Monarchy/Vantage
- Does This Dick Make My Ass Look Big?, Vouyer Media
- Look Mom, My First Black Penis, Mike Hunt/Juicy
- My Wife Caught Me Assfucking Her Mother, Devil's Film
- Nice Shoes, Wanna Fuck?, Electric/Hustler
- Occupy My Ass, Bobbi Starr/Evil Angel
- She Plays a Mean Rusty Trombone!, Lethal Hardcore/Pulse
- Show Me Your Shithole, B. Pumper/Freaky Empire
- Somebody Shave Me, Zero Tolerance Entertainment
- The Spit and the Speculum, Mike Adriano/Evil Angel
- Subtle Fragrance of Her Private Parts, Swank/Pure Play
- We Vow to Bang Black Beotches, Kelly Madison/Juicy
Does This Dick Make My Ass Look Big took home the prize, though I think honorable mentions are due to The Spit and the Speculum and Subtle Fragrance of Her Private Parts, for making my skin crawl without using any dirty words. That's writing!