Because no one has ever told me what planes are, I drove back to New York yesterday from a Thanksgiving retreat to Nashville. The entire ride up, my friends and I bounced with delight at the prospect of quaffing wine and cackling at the horrors of Lifetime's Liz & Dick. And then, when we settled in to eat and drink and snark after eight hours of the road, disaster struck.
For eight hours, we had dreamed of it, and I don’t need to tell you why. Every red-blooded Internet troll was sharpening its fangs in anticipation of the latest float in the Lindsay Lohan shit-parade, and we were to be first in line. But this Internet-free, bedbug-ridden, cockroach-ruled roadside inn had one drawback. No Lifetime! What the F?!
Lifetime is the premier movie channel for idiots, and you would have to be an idiot to stay in such an awful motel. Why the two have not been introduced is beyond me. But we had several hours to kill there before the red wine robbed us of consciousness, and the time had to be passed somehow. In case you’ve fallen into a timewarp and today is yesterday, you’re in Roanoke, and Twitter is blowing up with quips ranging from asinine and cruel to dead on balls accurate, you may pass the time thusly.
What happened next? Read on, fair reader. Read on.